the life and times of a blue boy…

It would have been nice to talk about Heidegger and the forgetfulness of being. But that would be too much of a digression.

Now I’m beginning to feel as my parents do. When I was a little younger and the world seemed to spin much slower than it does now, I always thought that my parents seemed so forgetful. Sometimes, they’d refer to an event and say that it just happened last year, when in fact it was probably two or three years ago. There’s a little hyperbole involved, but just suspend the disbelief and agree with me.

Oddly though, I’m beginning to feel that way. There are now certain events in my high school and college life that I’m pretty sure happened. I’m just not too sure when it exactly happened.  Not that exact; the year can be a little fuzzy.

There are some parts in my dorm life that I’m beginning to forget. Like when who moved in and moved out. I mean I know who they are, but it’s really a blur to me. Perhaps selective memory? I’m not sure.

I’m not sure if that’s because I’m a little older now. And by that I mean, I have to recall a whole lot more memories, people, and experiences than I did before.

My other theory is that I’m just doing a lot of things. And sadly because I am only a limited creature, my brain has to get rid of the other things it thinks it doesn’t need.

It’s sad that there are things I want to remember more vividly and clearly; but I just can’t. I don’t even get memories. I don’t know how to call it, but something shorter and less concrete. Like waking up from a dream, I think.

Overthinking takes a lot of neurons and brain cells to make the appropriate connections. This step of making connections requires energy and effort. And with overthinking, it demands more energy and effort than what is actually needed.

So overthinking is a waste of energy; and when considering other factors, also a waste of time.

What is argument is trying to show is basically: Don’t overthink through things. You’re only wasting energy and time. Using up energy that can be better spent ….doing other things, or using time that should rather be allocated for, well, sleeping.

I’d like to elaborate a little bit on that. Because after all, how do we know when a mental exercise has been carried out with just enough effort, or whose train of thought should have been killed off five scenarios ago?

Philosophical problems perhaps constitute one of the best exceptions. For a body of knowledge whose way of doing things really involves a lot of (oftentimes pointless) thinking, overthinking may not even be an issue.

But with everyday situations that we are confronted with, perhaps we are probably better off not knowing all things, or imagining every situation.

Try not to read too much between the lines, or try to interpret what this or that person meant when he or she said that.

Of course that’s just me: it’s a viewpoint that is biased in two ways. First, I’m a guy. It’s a little sexist, but I do hope you see through the chauvinism and take that little grain of truth present. And second, I’m a Filipino; and this is probably my adverse reaction to a culture very well versed in reading between the lines.

(By the way, belated happy birthday to me. Greet me anytime, even if months later. I won’t feel bad. )

Many of life’s experiences have been conveniently classified and given meaning to them.

Yet many times when I begin to encounter them personally, I sense nothing, feel nothing of the sort that these people described I should be feeling, or knowing.

It leads me to think that meaning is not inherent. Rather, we create it. Whatever value or stigma we attach to something, it must be a human product.

I could be wrong. And it isn’t comprehensive. I’m sure some things have some sort of meaning that should be there.

But I am talking about a specific thing. And right now, that’s what I’m thinking I should believe.

Let’s talk numbers. As you know, men are very fond numbers ranging from income, sports stats and even device models.  And I am no different.

Four. As you may (or may not) know, the blog celebrated its fourth year anniversary about two weeks ago. That means I’ve been babbling for more than three years. I hope I get to do that even more in the future. Sad but true.  I’ve recently thought of opening up another blog — something that focuses on what I’m currently working on.

Why? I don’t know, I just feel that maybe it would be a good opportunity to see if I really understand what the hell I’m doing. Currently, I’m supposed to be working on a thesis proposal, figuring out what to do for my thesis.

And since I’m a Chemistry major, this is bound to be filled with lots of jargon. That’s why I thought of moving it to another site in the first place. But then I’m not sure what would happen to this blog, would I still be able to maintain it?

It’s been a nice run (one that’s not even finished yet). From talking about starting college to actually nearly finishing it, it has been a long journey. Interspersed are thoughts on how freakin’ difficult Math was to how amazing the human brain is in Psychology. And perhaps, touches on being and totality (courtesty of a basic course in Philosophy)

I do sincerely hope I get to shovel out more “cultural snow” (as one of Haruki Murakami’s characters put it).

Twenty. Wow. The big two-zero. I’m turning twenty in less than two weeks. When I was ten, I used to think what I would be like and what I would be doing ten years later. It scared me a little to think about how far away that was, but didn’t think any further about it. But now here I am.

So what would the turning 20 Joshua answer the 10 year-old Joshua?

“Well, I’m a college student taking up a Chemistry major.” Imagine that. Ten year-old Joshua had no idea what he would “want to be in the future.” While other said doctors, lawyers, engineers, he would just say “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it”. Of course, why should anyone bother him about it? It was a gazillion years from happening.

I’m graduating this year from college. And entering the real world, or wherever that’s supposed to be. I want to look back to this blog post ten years from now, when I’m thirty; because it seems so otherworldly and awkward to think about it.

That was all I needed to hear.

Maybe you should have told it much earlier. It’s probably a little bit my fault too, but

Ayoko talaga ng mga paasa. The change in language seems more apt, the expression itself loses its bite and its edge in the translation.

I know I said it last time, but this time, I swear, this is for real.

I’m done.

This has got to be one of the best breaks ever. I don’t know why, but it seems like I’m ending it on a good note. I’d like to think a lot has happened in the last two weeks, both for good and for bad.

The highlight would have to be getting a new phone. Wow. After much argument with myself which phone to buy, I finally bought a phone. It’s a little pricey for me, although not that expensive as far as new cellphones go. It’s just that I’m usually conservative with phones. But anyway, I hope it lasts me for some time.

Other notable moments include missing my flight and inadvertently missing my brother’s graduation.

Of course, not everything was positive. OUCH, is all I can say.

There was an article in TIME magazine that talked about optimism in these times of economic recession. Optimistic people usually live longer lives and are more healthy. Being optimistic doesn’t necessarily mean that everything will work out for the better, foolishly dreaming and not paying attention to what is happening. Rather, optimists are grounded in reality and make the most out of a bad situation. People who are born pessimists can change and become optimists, but this requires a lot of effort.

This got me thinking; after all, if there was anything I learned about myself from Psychology class, it’s that I’m pessimistic. No surprise there. It probably explains my sarcasm and my permanent job playing devil’s advocate.  But still, I need to be a little more optimistic.

A writer whose name I cannot remember remarks: “The opposite of love is not hate…. it is indifference.” The quote is a little far fetched, but I’d like to think it shows that perhaps pessimism isn’t even looking at things in a very bleak, dark, negative way. Maybe pessimism is simply not caring what happens, that sort of cold indifference that only sees what is there right now but refuses to see the possibilities of what could be.  Even the word refuse seems to be too active; it isn’t even a conscious effort not to care.

Okay, how did I get here.

Now I suddenly feel so stupid. Extremely stupid for all the stupid things I have stupidly done.

What makes us happy is when we see other people happy, but it’s a little hard to believe when you’re not a part of it. I sincerely wish I can be happy, but I don’t know where it’s gonna come from.

I give up.

So whee.

I need to do two long papers, and then I should be done. Well at least for this year.

So let’s enjoy the final whee.

Belated happy birthday to Yasmin and Cory! Cory turns 21, while Yas turns 20. haha Actually, both turned 20, I think. You’re now both..older.

Anyway, I lost my cellphone last Friday. We were in a cab on the way to my friend’s house. As we stepped down from the taxi, I had feeling that something was missing. And something was: my phone.  It must have fallen out of my shorts and I hadn’t noticed it.

I tried calling the phone five minutes later but there was no more answer. Damn. Oh well.  It wasn’t an expensive phone, but losing the phonebook in the SIM card is quite a pain in the arse. It had the numbers of my high school classmates, college friends, and of course people I’ve met throughout the years.

So now I’m without a phone and I’ve discovered that it is quite possible to survive…as long as I have the internet. Without it of course, I’m pretty much cut off from the rest of the world, spending my time doing long reflections or more realistically sleeping my life away.

Hmm. Lately I’ve been in an emotional roller coaster.  I’m stressed out one day, ecstatic and happy the next, then wonder the following day where all that happiness went to.

Hahai. Let’s go guys, 2 more weeks!

The feeling slips away like sand in your hands, the harder you try to grab hold on to it, the faster it disappears.

Then it’s gone, like it never was there.

Or at least I decided to.