the life and times of a blue boy…

The familiar Final Fantasy 8 line, which comes out when using Devour. Just a little remembering, but that’s not what this is about.

That’s actual self-censorship. I’m exercising my right to do it (or is that a responsibility?). Either way, I’m putting it into effect. Well simply, I failed my math long test.

Yes, I know, this thing has been heard of many, many times — the endless repetition, the bore, what’s new? But this time, there seems to be a more serious tone to this. I took the test, tried to answer — and discovered that I hell had no idea what to do.

At some point in the exam, I was just staring at the teacher. I wanted to answer, I really did, but there was just this exasperation, desperation, even dread that just crept over me and killed all attempts to answer. It wouldn’t have helped me anyway; I was screwed. There goes my dream of getting a decent grade in Math. I can’t blame my teacher, she’s doing a great job of teaching math (no sarcasm intended).

Time quickly ran out. I crawled my way to the teacher’s table, my head hung in shame. I left the room in muted silence, unable to comprehend what the hell went wrong. When I was studying, I thought I was doing fine. But after the test, I just wanted to drown that feeling of failure at any cost, trying to block it out of my system in whatever way I could.

Failure is such a wonderful feeling. It goes beyond the perception of the lack of self-worth; eating out a part of your very existence, because it just feels that something inside of you just died. Sadly, there is little redemption. With one last long test and a final exam, I’m not sure if there’s anything decent left to salvage. What can you possibly pull up? ..I’m trying, I’ll try, but that’s it. The finality of it just seems incomprehensible. In some ways, it may be ominous — a sign of things to come, of more failures.

How academics can bring out the worst in me. Dedicating posts to subjects like this — I don’t know why I even do it. It’s just too much stress: repeated trauma, and tragedy after tragedy. What’s the point?

Despite that, I managed to cheer myself up at judo class — which was fun. Random violence has that calming feeling. Oh wait. We weren’t sparring, but sure, it was fun. Nothing seriously competitive; although I’m sure that will disappear when the time comes for mini-tournament.

…Summer is just around the corner again. A few more weeks of class, and then I’m officially going to be a second year student. But that’s unimportant for now. Survive the moment — let’s get through this.